What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say

Life has many complicated situations that leave us speechless. It may be that we are simply uncomfortable, or that we feel deeply enough that we fear something inappropriate will come out of our mouths. We want to demonstrate empathy, love, and compassion, but we just don't know how.

First and foremost, we need to realize that the other person is just as uncomfortable as we are. They may not know how to express their own feelings in words either. Silence is okay, especially if accompanied by the touch of a hand, tears, or a hug. Mutual loss can be felt deeply through a person's presence alone.

Rather than asking how the person is doing, try "It's good to see you."

Rather than stating something that is obvious, try a more subtle approach, "I feel for you."

Rather than giving advice, let them talk, "Tell me what happened."

Rather than asking them what they need, look for something you can do for them personally.

Feelings are a common denominator, no matter what circumstances are present. People who experience loss may be sad, angry, or even joyous, depending upon the things that happened prior to the loss. It is usually possible to tell how a person feels by reading the look on their face. A person who is angry may be complaining, blaming, or finding fault with authority figures. They need to have their feelings validated before they can move on to other feelings.

People who are feeling sadness will want to talk about memories, both of the immediate and distant past. Once they are able to process through the many memories, they can re-structure their future viewpoint to a positive one and move on. Those who are joyous after a tragedy have already processed their feelings and are working on a new future viewpoint. Allow them to feel it and don't try to talk them out of it. There may be down days later.

Although the past may be gone, it is not forgotten. Some memories may be painful to recall, others will bring laughter and smiles. Reminiscing about loved ones that are gone helps us reframe ourselves in relationship to the loss and gives us a new sense of identity.

Life-changing circumstances require support and adjustment. Focusing on the relationship you have with that person by treating them as you always have allows them a solid place to begin rebuilding. It gives them the consistency required to re-establish their world and enables movement from a shattered past to a hopeful future.

Knowing what to say in difficult situations comes from putting ourselves in the place of the person who is hurting. What would we want or need if we were in their circumstances? Putting ourselves in another's shoes often loosens our inhibitions and helps us find the right words to say. Feelings shared will be feelings appreciated and burdens lifted.